A woman’s position on Casual Sex

The Daily Crouton is all about food for thought about dating and relationships. I write these posts to raise points or create debates on topics and I appreciate all who have followed on FaceBook, Twitter, and WordPress. I have been reading and replying to your comments and encourage you to keep them coming.

So a few days ago, I posted an article on Casual Sex basically recognizing it as a common and healthy thing when played correctly. In summary, I stated that casual sex is generally OK as long as it isn’t the sacrifice being made in hopes of wooing a someone into a relationship. A good friend of mine Valerie Shorter, LCSW, a family therapist wrote the following in response:

I read yesterday’s blog about sex and I had to comment from the ladies’ perspective.  Don’t get me wrong, I agree with much of what the author said – if I were an investment broker!  There are a few fundamental differences between men and women that need to be discussed.  First, let’s squash the myth that only men think about sex 1000+ times per day.  Guess what?!? Women do too!  The only difference is in the fantasy of how things play out in the bedroom….soft music (Donny Hathaway), candles burning, passionate kisses, a gentle caress of your hair, a whisper in your ear that he “wants” you, and maybe even a little rain on the window pane to completely set the mood…. You see, thoughts of sex for women are just not limited to the physical act, but also include the additional elements that are the most important to us.  Keep in mind that we have been taught from a very young age that we are to be treasured, romanced and sought after.  After all, men are hunters, right?  We dream about our first love by watching Ken and Barbie make out, we play wedding day with our friends, create all sorts of dating/fate related games and fantasize about being romanced long before we ever talk about it.  Outside of our desire for romance and intimacy, the fact remains that many women choose to have casual sex.  We have all been there at some point in time (or will be), and the guy who is lucky enough to be that “someone” often develops magical thinking in relation to his game, thinking that it must be something that he did to make this happen!  The reality is that when women are open to sexing as a hobby, it’s for a reason, and typically for specific chapters of her life.  Perhaps she is in between relationships, is wanting to explore her own sexuality and wants a little “practice” with a guy that she knows will not be her “one and only,” or maybe she’s just downright aching for some physical loving and turns to the most willing and available suitor.  In those cases, it’s game on, and typically things fall within her terms, because everyone knows that a woman gets what a woman wants; especially when she flips the script and she becomes the aggressor.  When a woman recognizes that she is actually the one who is in control, she becomes confident and learns to use her sexuality to her advantage.  Not all women give sex to get love, BUT they give sex as a form of “payment” for when the guy makes her feel noticed, cared for and special.  It’s like a daily behavioral rewards system, the more stars he earns for good behavior, the juicier the reward.  Sex is also used as a gauge to see how long he will stick around after he gets some (to determine how special you are to him), how frequently he will spend time with you – even if he can’t get some (to determine his level of commitment to you) and to see how willing he is to be patient and delay his sexual gratification (to determine his ability to control his sexual urges – we like to use this as our most trusted tool to see if you will cheat or not). Believe me, we are fully aware that men have to “put in work” to get the prize. We notice your glazed over eyes when it comes to listening to our workplace stories and our friendship drama, and we also notice when you act like you care about who the bachelorette is going to choose. We are ok with this because it validates that you care enough to at least act like you are interested, which is all we want right?  But understand that the acting is mutual, we pretend to like your music, follow your sports teams, tell you that we enjoy hanging out with your friends, say that we worship your body and forget to mention that your best friend is smoking hot….all for the sake of you reciprocating the same level attention and affection, to make us feel better about giving up the goods.  So it’s win-win right?  Women may appear to be on the losing end of the trade (as referred to in the previous blog), but it’s all a part of the lifelong craft that we have become so skilled in over the years – the art of seduction.  But who’s keeping score?

Valerie Shorter, LCSW